If you are even a person on instagram or have a netflix account (if not please unfollow me that means YOU DAD), then you’ve probably heard of the new Netflix movie A Christmas Prince. Since according to a Netflix tweet 53 people watched it for 18 days straight, I figured it couldn’t be that bad. I was so very wrong.
Plot:
Every movie about some girl and a Prince either goes one of two ways: she either dates him for a while and then, he’s actually a prince and she’s awkward and doesn’t fit in because she’s “not like all the other boring royal girls” or whatever. The second option is, he’s a prince and she is awkward and weird but somehow earns the trust of one person close to the royal family so they accept her and he finds out that she’s “not like all the other boring royal girls.” This movie is the second option. She is a journalist who works at a crappy place with mean people and all her co-workers say she should just quit already!!!!!!!!!! (but they won’t obviously cause they’re okay with the job actually they’re just sick of her bs).
So first, we meet her Dad. Her mom is dead because of cancer, since apparently divorce is unheard of. Her dad is basically just a mouth piece for the most corny lines you could ever think of. Also he owns a diner in Brooklyn and anytime people talk in the diner, its to say they love him for either his pie or giving them free champagne on New Years. The barf test starts early people just so you know.
She ends up having to travel to Alluvia to cover a story on the prince who is labeled as “a player and a bad boy.” She somehow ends up convincing some very questionable staff that she is the princesses tutor and hilarity ensues, (actually its more barfing)!
Of course the girl is a lil brat who sent all her other tutors running but she’s really just complicated okay! They took her character out of like a stock psychology article that says “parent died and now child is lashing out because she is hurt and misunderstood, needs caring “other” to aid her.”
She’s also randomly in a wheelchair for sympathy.
Next, the barfing continues where they have this little exchange and I really almost said “you know what this ain’t worth it,” but decided to blog about it instead.
Then, they have more corny lines where Amber, (the journalist girl), claims she breaks everything. She broke one singular thing…….Then the little girl tells her she’s, “not like everyone else” which is somehow a good thing for girls? Can we please retire the narrative that girls have to be “not like other girls?” because all girls are cool.
Then she creepily watches him play “the First Noel” and acts like he’s a musical prodigy like I didn’t also know that song when I was in 2nd grade, thank you very much.
Next we meet his obviously awful ex-girlfriend who only wanted him for his crown cause he can’t just have a normal ex, she HAS to be evil.
So next, the prince guy is supposed to go to his coronation thing, but, whoops, slipped his mind while he was playing with some orphan children.
Next, they have a really fake snowball fight and just fall right into each others arms.
Next, she starts to question who the prince really is like maybe he’s a decent human? Also, she wears an ugly shirt and takes really bad journalist notes.
Then, she tries to stalk him. I assume she thought this was a good idea because she weirdly nodded to herself before she did it? She then gets on a random horse all willy-nilly and it proceeds to throw her off and run away. She’s now lost in the woods for maybe a couples hours, tops, and gets growled at by one wolf for 4 seconds and of course the prince comes and “saves” her.
Then they have some weird talk about his becoming king and how he just wants to be himself ugh! Prince problems! Next, they read some weird poem by his dad? I don’t really know I kinda stopped listening. All I know is she found some papers in a secret drawer and finds out he’s adopted!!!!!
Then the mean girl kisses him after the night of deep talks, scandal!
She then gets super butt hurt about it for some reason.
Also would like to point out the bitchy girl’s name is Sophia. Honestly trying to steal ya man is something a Sophia would definitely do, am I right ladies?
Then they finally kiss because he’s tired of her talking, which is so gross. I would like this to retire in movies as well.
Next, he’s like come to the ball with me and she’s like okay I’ll wear my ugliest dress!
Then the little girl is like, “here’s a weird bracelet and also you need a makeover cause that hair needs help” which I agree.
That night is the highly anticipated ball and we get to see her makeover! Just Kidding, they just do her hair, give her some intense makeup and call that a makeover.
And of course everyone acts like she’s some angel coming down from heaven cause she put some dust on her eyes.
Also casually versed in the art of dance, of course.
Then the shit hits the fan and he finds out he’s adopted, she’s not really a teacher and everyone is mad at everyone. He literally says “I don’t even know who you are anymore” its like Richard, sweetie, you never did also its been like 4 days, tops.
Next, his cousin tries to take the throne cause he’s the only male heir and marries the bitchy girl. Well, apparently the princes dad’s poem is like some weird riddle he has to solve and this really important document that says, “I am the old king and I am dying but my son is my son because I say so and he’s king now, signed me” is hidden in this acorn ornament that he like gives his daughter??? Its all very weird but of course journalist girl figures it out and saves the day!
This dude then doesn’t talk to her for six whole days, (during which I’m sure she is ripping out her hair and burning his stuff), and then just shows up??? Proving that men have no concept of time, whatsoever.
Then, he of course proposes because forget dating!! Let’s just go all in after knowing each other for 4 days!!
And at first she’s like, “what I live in New York and my dad is here I can’t just move and uproot my whole life for you I don’t even know you!” but then she’s like “ehh who cares, I gotta say yeah based on absolutely nothing!”
And there you have ladies and gentlemen, the end. 0/10 would not recommend. If you want a good holiday movie with some romance watch Love Actually or The Holiday both kinda corny with a level of sophistication and no barfing. Please love yourselves and just watch something else. Anything else.
Also enjoy this other scathing review from Vogue.
I Don't Even Have a "Pla" 