Dating App Absolute Gems No. 4

Some real wild ones this week so let’s dive right in!!!! No time to waste:

 

I’m gonna go ahead and say you will never get an Uber with this guy.

 

Big words from a guy who literally took the time to put his own Zodiac in his bio.

This guy matched with me while my job title clearly states that I’m in Social Media?

I don’t know guys, I don’t think he’s gonna find anyone for his niche interests.

These were funny in 2014 for 5 minutes.

When your friend is way hotter than you so you have to cover his face with an emoji. I get it, I see you.

Even the Bumble bio has it’s limits.

 

Mystery, ladies, you ever heard of it?

 

 

And lastly, our Absolute Gem of the Week. I’m bestowing this honor on this guy for not taking the 7 seconds to google Shawn Mendes and then matching with me after I was incredibly snarky. God speed, king.

Dating App Absolute Gems: No. 3

This week features a man that is definitely wearing a toupee and a new segment I’m calling “Absolute Gem of the Week.” Let’s get started:

 

Idk if my standards for men are too low, but I have never seen a drunk guy wash his face before bed. Let’s be honest, I can’t really recall a time I’ve ever seen a guy wash his face.

And on today’s episode of “holy shit, is that a toupee???”

Wow what a mystery, I’d love to be that lounge one day.

Ladies, red flag or deal breaker? This dude has absolutely no brain, but is probably a fun time.

Ugh, guys it’s fine. They’re just homies!!! Also probably the thing he’ll say after the 5th time he cheats on you with her.

 

I’m just gonna leave this one here. His entire profile was just pictures of food. Can’t bear to make fun of it, just bums me out. I hope he finds his food queen.

And last, but not least, this week’s #1 Absolute Gem. He deserved an entire screen recorded video for his profile. I can’t believe he’s single.

 

 

 

 

 

Dating App Absolute Gems: No. 2

And we’re back! Got a few very interesting convos that I just had to share, and one very rude suggestion from Hinge. Let’s go:

 

 

 

 This man does not know his own angles, lemme tell you.

 Scrolled down to find that this man was neither Obama OR Michelle. Shocked and confused.

 Never felt more connected to a person in my life.

 But Matthew, I have got to know what the hell a youth motivational speaker is.

 

 

 According to Hinge, this is the vibe I’m putting off on my dating profile??? Much to think about- Billy Ray Cyrus

At least girls have the decency to put music with their selfie videos!!!!!

 

  I mean no hey, hi, or how are you???At least pretend to be interested in my mind and not my brain. I reported him because I’m petty. Mom, if you’re reading this, don’t.

 

 First time I’ve ever been greeted like this and I didn’t hate it. Didn’t work out with us, but I’ll think about him always.

Dating App Absolute Gems: The Weekly Roundup

As you’re all aware, I’m frequently on the dating apps. Some people say they don’t use them and to that I say, where does your validation from men come from? I’ve been sharing some things I’ve seen that are mostly what? and a little bit of why? and a dash of whomst mans is this? I’ve decided they really need their own post because they’re too good not to share everywhere, hence this weekly post was born. Let’s jump right into it:

  HATE when a guy is on a dating app and is clearly already in a relationship!! Ugh!!

 I have so many questions. How many times has he been asked to iron something by women? Apparently a lot since he had to add it to his profile

 Sir, this is a New York City.

 The bar for men is literally on the floor.

 

 And on today’s segment of I’m not sure if this is racist or I know nothing about Korea Town and it’s just mean??

 

 

 

Same PicNic energy.

 

 Yet another unattainable beauty standard for women!!!!!!

 

I’ll leave you all with this absolute gem of a conversation:

 

 

Only myself to blame with that one. Big Yike

 

I Re-watched Sex and the City and It Changed How I Feel About Aiden

I’m Stanford!!!! This is the first time I’ve written in months and if you’re wondering why I’m writing this, of all things, I have no answers. I do, kinda, have a reason for this post.

So let’s go back, why am I re-watching Sex and the City for the 16 billionth time? I started listening to this new podcast called The Bradshaw Boys. It’s 3 straight guys watching Sex and the City for the first time (mostly) and then discussing it. Super hilarious and fun, highly recommend. At first, I wasn’t going to go back and watch the series with them since I’d already seen it multiple times. As they started going through the episodes, I really just couldn’t help myself and jumped in around Season 2.

One of the surprising things is the newfound annoyance with Carrie. I mean, come on girl, how are you trying to make this relationship with Big work if you never tell him how you feel about things? Every fight they ever have is about how she needs/wants something from him emotionally and is too scared to ask for it. This leads to her inevitable explosion and makes it a giant deal. I don’t wanna say the Big is innocent here, not at all. Anytime she does finally ask what the deal is, he’s usually super vague. I don’t, by any means, think their relationship is something to strive for. I do, however, get where she’s coming from a little. Personally, I find when I really like a guy; I hate bringing up any relationship talk. If you’ve been dating around a while, you sort of get the clue that when you bring that stuff up, it can blow up in your face. You either hear something you don’t like, or get rejected, and so it ends up just nagging you until you explode. I will say that sometimes when she does explode on him, it gets her the results she was looking for. For instance, when he doesn’t tell her he loves her in Season 2, she gets pissy and leaves him at a party. The next day, he actually says it over the phone. Thus, starting the cycle of silence, fight and reward. This is extremely toxic and pretty immature behavior, but I’ve been there. Should they have ended up together? No. You cant allow someone to treat you a certain way for X amount of months and then be surprised when they don’t get the hint that it’s not actually what you want.

I’ve never really been “big” on Big, but on the “Big vs. Aiden” debacle, I’ve always been Team Aiden. He was so sweet and soon much better than Big! I would argue Carrie was over correcting. By that, I mean she hated how badly she was treated by Big, so she went super left field. She needed the opposite of Big and she definitely got it. I always thought he was great, but in actuality, he’s kinda blah. He’s just there all the time. In her space and her life, but doesn’t really add anything. I don’t think he could ever actually hang out with her and her friends. He immediately tried to change her with the smoking thing. Literally all they do is lounge around her place being boring. We give “nice” guys such a huge pass, simply because they’re nice, but let’s please up the bar ladies. Maybe if we did, there’d be more nice guys to go around! Nice should be base level, what else does he have besides nice? I think Carrie stayed with him half of the time, just because he was nice, and then the rest of the time, just because she felt bad for him because he was nice. Think about when she first said, “I love you” to him. She said it right after he did and she had just cheated on him with Big. She didn’t love him, clearly. Also, they just truly did not mesh well. He didn’t like smokers; he liked the outdoors and loved staying in with his dog. She liked to party, smoke and be glamorous. She literally never went to a single party or outing when they were together, I mean what up with that? At least Big could keep up with her, her friends and her lifestyle. I get it nice is so refreshing. Dating a bunch of crappy dudes will really have you reaching for some boredom in your love life. It’s easier and you think that’ll mean predictability and that it’ll work out better. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t. Nice just translates to “I’m saving myself from getting hurt this time” which isn’t always the case, especially with Carrie.

It’s probably true that every time you watch a series again, you get something different out of it. You hopefully have different experiences all the time, so you watch things though a different perspective. I know Carrie’s overcorrecting because I’ve been there myself. On the Big vs. Aiden thing, I’m neither. I’m more of a Harry-Smith-Steve gal myself.

The Dating App Conundrum

When I moved here for an internship my junior year of college, I was the queen of dating apps. I really only used Bumble (this was pre-Hinge) and found pretty decent success. I was broke and knew absolutely no one so dating apps were fun when I was bored and wanted to do something in the city. I also lived in the East Village, which is prime for dating and going out in your 20’s. It gave me some much needed distraction and hey, summer of fun in the city. 

In college back home, I never used them. I had enough success—or should I say I had enough “distractions” going out to bars that I really just didn’t need them. I definitely used them when I was bored and needed a confidence boost, but never really dated anyone from them. I always felt like I had to be constantly talking to someone, so any lull in my boy-craziness needed to be filled with a stint on a dating app that I would give up a week later.

Since moving here, I picked it back up again. I would say 9 out of 10 times are usually a bust. Since I actually live here now and it’s not just a summer vacation, it’s almost a chore. Out of the dates I’ve been on in the last year, only 2 have made it past the first date and only 1 further than that. I was listening to a podcast and a comedian said it best, “I don’t use dating apps because the “vibe” I give off online is not really me. You don’t usually like someone just based on pictures, it’s peoples energy.” I try way too hard on dating apps to sound funny and original, therefore I look like a weirdo. I try to match with people who also sound funny and original on dating apps, therefore I match with guys who aren’t my type more often than not. No idea why that is.

I’d first like to point out some weirdos and just general funny stuff that seems to happen only on dating apps. Ladies, read it and weep—with laughter:

First, let’s start off with some weird trend I’ve been noticing (that definitely need an explanation and a cease and desist):

When answering the question “The last time you cried was…,” an ALARMING amount of men have said the movie Click. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s that really horrible movie with Adam Sandler aka basically every movie he’s in ever. The fact that enough men are crying during this movie that I’ve noticed is so horrible I don’t wanna think about it.  Adam god-damn Sandler, I can’t. 

When asked about their last meal, chicken parmesan is a very popular answer. I think I’ve eaten that once in my whole life. Not a bad choice, but so weird. I guess it’s better than saying pizza, but really only one step up.

Job title as “looking” or “entrepreneur” translates in my brain to “unemployed and will take you to a dive bar and split it.” Just make something up related to what you do or put what you WERE doing, duh.

Linked Instagram accounts: mixed feelings about these because sometimes they add more pictures of the guy. HOWEVER, some people should not. For example, if your entire Instagram is you doing “motivational” videos. I also ran into a guy who had an entire Instagram of….boats. Like maybe keep a little mystery going into date 1, just a thought.

Here’s some gems I managed to screenshot and am very happy I did:

Just trying to match with the general population. Nothing specific

Who’s gonna tell this guy it’s 2018 and everyone has seen Star Wars….

I think I’ll go out to dinner. I don’t fancy being cooked???

Is he here just to make friends??

Can’t communicate, someone help him

Do you live in New York City, yes or no?

This was a solid burn and I don’t feel bad. Okra is DISGUSTING

Thanks Justin! 

33,000 people at LSU but yep, toooootally know him. Also serial killer response

this guy never matched with me because he doesn’t like to be corrected. I really wanna know if he fixed the spelling, it haunts me everyday.

This guy never matched with me either, I mean COMEON he probably never got something so funny he didn’t know how to handle it.

I hope this guy found love cause he deserves it

Lastly, I’d like to say that men are still out here, in 2018, thinking selfies are okay. They are not. Please, please stop taking shirtless pictures, pictures in your car (???), pictures in your bathroom mirror with your leg on the sink (this is a real picture I saw of a guy who had the AUDACITY TO MATCH WITH ME. If you want to see it DM me). I know for a fact your mom makes you take pictures every Christmas, your fired who are girls take pictures of you or get your bro to take one I DONT CARE. No selfies in 2019 thank you. 

Needless to say, I deleted them all recently. I think it’s a good idea to take breaks from dating apps. I haven’t in a while and I have to say I really don’t miss it. If it gets monotonous, delete it. You don’t need to waste energy and good makeup on a boring date! All the power to you if you like them and you met your boyfriend/husband/soulmate, but I’m tired and its getting cold as hell. I’ll be watching Christmas movies and hanging with my friends until further notice.

Masturdating: Because We lovin’ Ourselves in 2018, Ladies

Happy November 1st! Or should I say Happy Birthday Month to me! I love November, not just because of my birth, but also because it’s officially Fall—in my book. Which means, it’s cuffing season, ladies. If you’re not familiar with the term, let me enlighten you. Cuffing season is a relatively new term, which as defined by urban dictionary, means:

During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

Basically, you exclusively hook-up with one dude for the winter months because it’s too cold to go out and face the horrors of endless “first dates.” Can’t relate? Probably because you live somewhere where it gets 40 degrees for 3 days and you can easily remedy ANY cold weather by not having to walk more than five feet anywhere because you have a CAR (I’m not bitter).

Since living in this fridged wasteland, I’ll be the first to say I was down for this. Actually experiencing the cold here and thinking about going on a lack-luster first date is it’s own American Horror Story. So, you deal with someone that can best be described as “meh” so you don’t have to face the cold and let’s be real, the holidays, alone. Sounds great? Wrong-o. This turns out to be its own hell where you end up making this more than it really is and feeling exhausted giving 95% while the guy give 5%. Next thing ya know you’re back where you started and a touch more bitter than you were previously.

SO WHAT IS A SINGLE GAL TO DO? Let me introduce you to ”masturdating,” AKA my new favorite word I learned from my beautiful friend, Laurel. Did I read that right? Probs not,but allow me to fix that. What does this mean? Again, we travel back to Urban Dictionary:

In this lewd yet satisfying activity, one will engage on an ordinary date with his/herself and with the objective to impress and please only themselves.

If you’ve ever watched Sex in the City, this might sound a little familiar. They devoted one episode where Carrie basically dates herself (and New York?) and has a marvelous time hanging out by herself−some other stuff happens, but I digress. In a city with a plethora of things to do, I highly suggest dating yourself. When I first moved here and had zero friends, I did things by myself all the time. It takes a second to get used to and feels a little awkward, but start small. The easiest thing to do by yourself, is the movies. The lights stay on for a few minutes and then everyone shuts up and you’re all in the dark for 2 hours. No one will even notice you enjoying your candy by yourself and living your best life! I’ve done this a bunch of times when it was rainy and I just wanted a quiet day not spent in my apartment. I’ve sat in the park and read a book on a nice day and even taken myself to lunch—usually just pick a quiet place or a weird off-time. One day I may even take myself to dinner (which honestly, sounds a little scary).

If you read this and your first thought is why would I want to hangout by myself, that sounds so boring. Ask yourself why anyone else would wanna hangout with you if you don’t even wanna hangout with you? *mic drop*

 

A Definitive Argument For Being “Picky”

 

I have been what normal people would classify as “single” basically my entire existence (save for about 4 horrifying months which I’m just not even gonna count anymore). However, I was “dating” my entire college life and it was less than enjoyable if you can guess. “Dating” I would classify as anyone you spend time with, hook-up with on a regular basis and/or drunk cry about when they don’t text you back after a certain amount of months. My college existence was an endless cycle of this. Meet a guy, go out with him, meet his friends, get invested, and fizzle into nothing more than a sad thought after too much vodka. Then, start all that all over again with some other dude. My mom would always say, “It’s because you’re too picky! A guy doesn’t have to be super hot!” Those words stuck in my mind every time I thought, “okay I don’t like this about him maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore.” My mom’s voice would come into my head and so, I resolved to stick it out. “Give him a chance” and “you’re too picky” is the shady form of “this guy likes you so you should date him even if you don’t like him because you might not ever get someone to like you again” Which is a terrifying thing to a woman, I mean, how do we survive if there isn’t a guy who likes us? No one has ever claimed that men are too picky and single, they’re just “bachelors sewin’ their wild oats,” or whatever. Guys are some of the most picky people on the planet and yet, I don’t see anyone claiming they need to change.

There’s a lot of pressure, as a single person, to be actively trying to date someone. So much so, that there’s a market for it, hence dating apps. Since moving here, men are everywhere and nowhere, simultaneously. Supposedly, there are millions of men in New York City, and I’ve yet to discover a single decent male I didn’t have to first meet on a dating app. Working in fashion meant I saw about 2 humans of the male variety, all of which, are gay. That means, if I want to meet someone I have to meet them either randomly (coffee shop, gym, subway?), at a bar or on a dating app. My preferred method has been the apps. Easiest and fastest way to meet people and not having to be on “patrol” for guys everywhere I go. Dating apps are the one place where you can embrace your “picky.” Weird picture? Bye. He’s only 5’6″? Nope. Then you start to weed through a lot of guys really fast and you think “well maybe height isn’t a huge deal” or “yeah he lives in Jersey and I live in Brooklyn but it could work!” Why are you forcing yourself to sacrifice all the things you want in a guy just because it’s taking a hot second to actually find it? I’ve been with some guys who have been the absolute worst just to, “give them a chance,” and at the end of it I just thought, “Why did I even waste my precious time?” Women have been crucified for having a check-list for the perfect dude so much that we now have to just date whoever comes along. Yes, sometimes you can find things in people you never saw coming, but wasting energy on people you have no interest in is, well, a waste. I wouldn’t say the guys I actually liked checked all my invisible “boxes,” but the things I would sacrifice in order to just date someone were readily available in other people if I would’ve just chilled the F out for a few months. So often we settle for “fine” because it’s comfortable in a relationship. You like them, but something is off, and you stay because you don’t want to have to start all over with someone else. Relationships are fun, but also should be exciting and way more than just “fine.”

Doing a quick Google search about being picky in a relationship can yield a plethora of articles about how to “fix” it. I get it; don’t be picky because you could also miss a great guy! I think we just get too lonely and next thing you know, the list goes totally out the window just so we can stop feeling so horrible about being single. What I’m trying to say is, don’t throw out your checklist. Remember the episode of Friends where Chandler resolves to not be picky anymore and goes out with the girl who has the weird nostrils and stick it out with the girl who has mascara goop in her eyes? Guess what, he should’ve left those girls in the dust because at the end of the day, they weren’t right for him and truned out to be real weirdos. One of them left him locked up to a desk with no pants on.  Fictional example, but it holds up. Embrace being picky about who you date and spend time with, no matter how old you get, how long you’ve been single or how many holidays you have to say “Yep, still single and picky.”